This blog is something that has been stirring in my heart for well over a year. Up until this past month all of the reasons why i shouldn’t write it were much louder in my head than the reasons i thought i should. In my quest for freedom from the thoughts, behaviors, and anxieties that have interrupted my life i’ve found that writing has been the most liberating and therapeutic way to process my thoughts and emotions. Writing has also been an area in which i have felt strong resistance, hence the time it took for this idea of mine to become a reality. As i begin the journey of recovery from an eating disorder this blog will follow my healing process, my experiences in treatment, and advocate strongly for self love and those who are also suffering. i hope it will serve as a platform where i can connect with family, friends and readers on topics that may otherwise be difficult to bring up in conversation. If you’re reading this please don’t hesitate to come to me with honest questions and comments. If you’re reading this and you are struggling in any way please know and believe, you are not alone.
i am here to tell my story, and honestly there is still a very big part of me that is scared shitless, scared to be honest with myself, my pen and especially the world wide web. i have spent a lot of time and energy over the past few years attempting to disown the ugly parts of my story. Not only was it exhausting but i soon realized that living authentically and disowning certain chapters of my story that I deemed ugly were two narratives that could not coexist, i had to choose one or the other. Vulnerability has always been something i have paired with fear, but in an attempt to live more whole heartedly i am trying this new thing where i run towards my fears instead of away from them. i am learning to allow the space between where i am and where i want to be to inspire me instead of terrify me. Fear is born of a story we tell ourselves and i am choosing to tell a different story. i hope by being vulnerable about my imperfections and unapologetically me here on this page i can encourage others to do the same. Rumor has it that telling your story, ugliness and all, while being witnessed by those who care and love you has extreme potential to facilitate healing and cultivate connection and trust. So often we are tormented by the insane idea that we are alone and disconnected in our suffering, but this is so far from the truth. We do not have a choice as to whether or not we suffer, but we do get to choose whether or not we suffer alone. I am choosing the latter.
i am here to tell my story, and honestly there is still a very big part of me that is scared shitless, scared to be honest with myself, my pen and especially the world wide web. i have spent a lot of time and energy over the past few years attempting to disown the ugly parts of my story. Not only was it exhausting but i soon realized that living authentically and disowning certain chapters of my story that I deemed ugly were two narratives that could not coexist, i had to choose one or the other. Vulnerability has always been something i have paired with fear, but in an attempt to live more whole heartedly i am trying this new thing where i run towards my fears instead of away from them. i am learning to allow the space between where i am and where i want to be to inspire me instead of terrify me. Fear is born of a story we tell ourselves and i am choosing to tell a different story. i hope by being vulnerable about my imperfections and unapologetically me here on this page i can encourage others to do the same. Rumor has it that telling your story, ugliness and all, while being witnessed by those who care and love you has extreme potential to facilitate healing and cultivate connection and trust. So often we are tormented by the insane idea that we are alone and disconnected in our suffering, but this is so far from the truth. We do not have a choice as to whether or not we suffer, but we do get to choose whether or not we suffer alone. I am choosing the latter.
“Nobody can protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” -Cheryl Strayed, tiny beautiful things
This blog is me running in the direction of my best and happiest dreams. My writing is my bridge.
i am writing for me. i am writing for my friends and family. i am writing for those who have, who are currently and who will struggle with an eating disorder or any other mental illness. i am writing because everyone knows someone. i am writing because my story matters. i am writing because your story matters. i am writing because eating disorders have a higher mortality rate than any other mental illness. i am writing because awareness, education and advocacy are the only way to collectively fight these disorders that have taken the lives of so many and are wreaking havoc on so many more. i am writing to tell my story because if I don’t, then someone else will.
i write because to tell my story is to love myself wholeheartedly.
To live authentically here on this page and in a world that so often conditions us to do the opposite is my Christmas gift to myself. It is more than a New Year's resolution, but rather a lifetime commitment. i hope and pray that this holiday season you find yourself surrounded by joy with your arms wrapped around those you love. And if you don't find yourself here, i pray that hope will find you and give you the strength to wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze tight.
You are loved, your story matters, hope is real.
You are loved, your story matters, hope is real.
peace & love to you until next time,
xx
hannah
